


There should be a film

by MordorIsCalling



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilbo loves his cat and his coffee, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Bilbo Baggins, POV First Person, Thorin is an actor, a bit of friendzone angst, a happy ending because we deserve it, a mention of drug use, and Bilbo is his friend, heheh, or rather attempts at humor, until he isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 00:28:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17672954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MordorIsCalling/pseuds/MordorIsCalling
Summary: “Bilbo, I don’t think you ever mentioned how did you two meet,” Frerin spoke up to me conversationally while everybody else was eating up my mum’s spaghetti, the dish often prepared for the usual Sunday family dinners of Durins and Bagginses.I glanced at Thorin to see him glaring at me warningly. Raising a challenging eyebrow, I shifted my gaze back to my friend's brother.“It was quite spectacular, let me tell you," I answered with a smirk. Frerin smirked back and, a sly fox as he was, his expression looked too much of encouraging for my taste. He most likely expected some adorable and no less embarrassing anecdote.The evil part of me was roaring of laughter already. The story was embarrassing… but not for me.





	There should be a film

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: I wrote most of this fic 4 years ago, but I gathered the courage to post my works here only last year, so here we are xD
> 
> To be honest, I have no idea what I was even thinking when writing this. I have nothing in my defence. This AU is rather wild? Or just silly? If you find this story ridiculous beyond words, I'll understand. I'm posting it just as a sort of... experiment? I'm curious what y’all are going to think about it. 
> 
> So yeah, please enjoy (maybe?) :3

 

“Bilbo, I don’t think you ever mentioned how did you two meet,” Frerin spoke up to me conversationally while everybody else was eating up my mum’s spaghetti, the favourite dish eaten during the usual Sunday family dinners of Durins and Bagginses.

I glanced at Thorin to see him glaring at me warningly. Raising a challenging eyebrow, I shifted my gaze back to my friend's brother.

“It was quite spectacular, let me tell you," I answered with a smirk. Frerin smirked back and, a sly fox as he was, his expression looked too much of encouraging for my taste. He most likely expected some adorable and no less embarrassing anecdote.

The evil part of me was roaring of laughter already. The story  _was_  embarrassing… but not for me.

"Actually", I continued, "I think it was so incredible that there should be a film about it… and Thorin should get the leading role.”

‘Oh  _don’t you dare_ ,’ I could  _hear_   Thorin’s thoughts in my mind.

I chuckled darkly under my breath as the sounds of cutlery clattering died down. Everyone’s attention was focused on me. Oh, this was going to absolutely delightful.

"The title would go in something like  _Don’t make any phone calls when epically drunk_ ,” I stated.  

Thorin groaned, hiding his face in his hands, and I burst out laughing, throwing my head back. 

The confused looks I received were just priceless.

***

_6 months prior…_

My phone was ringing.

It was 2 AM.

And it I was some unknown number.  

I blinked.

Now, this was not something I expected to happen at the beginning of this weekend.

The phone kept ringing, and I wondered...

Well, what was the harm? Maybe some little adventure was awaiting me? I answered the call. 

 “Hello, my dear friend,” the stranger purred.

Good heavens.

 _What a voice_. 

So  _deep_ ,  reverberating like the sound of thunder, rough and silky in all the right places.

“Guess what,” the guy murmured in a rich baritone that sent shivers down my spine.

I found myself unable to stutter a word. I remained silent, wondering what to do only  _a little_  panicky.

“Oh c’mon, Dwalin,” he huffed, “stop sulking.”

“D-dwalin?” I squeaked.

“Ha-ha. Not funny,” the guy grumbled, "would you please stop doing voices and talk to me properly?” 

My jaw dropped.  _What was going on?_  Why the bloke was insisting that I was someone who I  _wasn’t_? My mind went blank as I was listening to the stranger’s heavy breathing. After a long, long,  _long_  time I cleared my throat, regaining my wits at last. “S-sorry, s-sir,” I stammered, “this must be a mistake. You’re calling a wrong number.”

“A wrong number, you say,” he repeated, his tone unconvinced and icy.

This  _definitely_  wasn’t going to end up well.

“You know what?” he went on in a malicious tone, “that’s pathetic! At first you accuse me of things that I’ve  _never_  done, and then - ”

Surprisingly, he didn’t finish his haste, bitter-angry monologue.  

“Sir, I’m sorry, but…” I interjected.

“Shush, man, don’t speak,” he cut me off, “Here it comes!” he exclaimed in a way which sounded alarmingly excited, “Here it comes! Here it comes, here it comes!”

I could hear a crowd running wild in the background and a very loud music. I frowned and narrowed my eyes. It appeared that the mad man was to a concert or something of that sort.

“Here comes the reign!” he cried so loudly that I flinched in pain. “HERE COMES THE REIGN!”

This time, he had positively  _bellowed_. I winced, pulling the phone away from my ear, staring at the cell blankly as my ears were registering his unintelligible shouting. I brushed my hand over my face with a loud groan.  It dawned on me at last. The man was  _drunk_.

He had somehow managed to pretend being sober until now, but he had clearly given up his efforts in the end. And to think that he had been so convincing!

“Impressive,” I muttered.

As if in response, I heard  _a_   _roar_.

“YELL AT THAT MOUNTAIN!”

My laugh was mirthless.

Were there any… hints how to act in a situation like that? And, honesty, could something like this even  _happen_  in real life?

But the most important question at the moment was – how long this  _terrific actor_  would last without harming himself, considering his current state?

“Sir, where are you?” I asked, feeling anxiety rising in my gut. What if he did something  _reckless_ , as drunk people usually did, and would get injured?

“I appreciate your concern, but I have to hung up. I’m going to have a great time!” he yelled, attempting to outshout the crowd. “Bye!”

After that, only a silence could be heard on the other side of the line.

Looking down at my phone, I frowned deeply.

Right.

So he had hung up. Just like that.

Okay.

The fates were challenging me.

Or it was some kind of warning not to stay up so late reading.

 _Or_  it might or might  _not_  have been caffeine instead of blood flowing through my veins. 

Eureka.

I glanced at the mug on the table suspiciously. Yes, there had had to be something in the milk I had added. It hadn’t been that fresh, after all.

Coffee, my One True Love, had deceived me.

I sighed ruefully.

It was called ‘life’,  wasn’t it?

  
***

“Oh, darling,” I whispered, inhaling deeply. “You have no idea.” I felt the divine taste on my tongue. “No idea.” I closed my eyes with a shaky breath, then drowned into the sensation of my love’s close proximity. My heart started beating so much faster and new energy began flowing through my veins.

“I love you,” I murmured lowly, taking another sip.

I looked down at the dark liquid in the mug, smiling goofily.

Coffee, my One.                                     

“Some guys and girls would be terribly jealous,” Primula said as she waltzed into the kitchen and opened the fridge in search of something to eat for breakfast.

I greeted my cousin and flatmate with a not-so-amused huff.

“What is between me and my morning coffee,” I gritted through clenched teeth, “stays between me and my morning coffee.”

“Oi, no need to get so touchy." She raised her hands in defence.

I lowered my eyes to stare at my palms, a bit ashamed. “I’m sorry, dear.” I sighed heavily. “I just didn’t get much sleep last night...” trailed off.

“Why not?” Primula frowned in concern.

I told her about what happened last night.

After finishing the story, I had Prim gaping at me, unable to utter a word. Not a second later she was laughing so hard that tears of mirth were flowing down her cheeks.

Um. What was so hilarious?

As I asked her so, I had to wait for a response a couple of minutes more because my question had caused her to laugh even more.

“Bilbo,” Primula choked out, “what kind of drug did you take?”

“What?!” I blinked dumbly.

“Honestly, you want me to believe that something like this actually happened?” Prim panted heavily. “C’mon, you must've smoked some damn good weed at the very least!" 

"Prim, no!" I answered indignantly. "I swear -"

I was cut off by the sound of my phone ringing. I snatched the damned thing from the countertop. There was an incoming call from  _that guy_.

"Oh my God, it's him!"

"What?!" Prim exclaimed with wide eyes. I showed her the screen. "Put it on speaker!" she whispered excitedly. 

I rolled my eyes but I did so anyway. 

"Hello?" we heard the guy ask uncertainly. Prim gasped quietly, and I smirked. That man's voice sounded just as dizzying as before. 

"Hello," I replied, trying my best not to laugh. 

"I'm sorry to bother you, but..." oh, the poor bloke sounded sorry indeed. And he quite probably had a _killer_ hangover. "It seems I called you last night by mistake and... we... talked?" 

“Yes, we did.” I really couldn’t help but giggle.

The guy groaned so miserably I almost laughed out loud.

“Oh shit, I... I apologize for whatever I said.”

“It’s all right, really,” I reassured him, because, truly, the memory was in the end absolutely _priceless_. “I just hope you and Dwalin have everything sorted out.”

“Huh?”

“You were angry at that Dwalin about something when you called me.”

The silence was an answer enough. The bloke didn’t remember that _at all_. Primula almost lost it. She was so red in the face from refraining from laughter that I was getting a bit concerned.

“I’ll talk to him,” the guy spoke up finally, “I apologize once again.”

“It’s okay.” I bit my lip, trying not to say anything more to torture that man. “Have a good day.”

“Thanks, you too.” The stranger hung yup hastily.

Prim literally _erupted_. She started cackling so madly and inelegantly I half couldn’t believe it.  When she calmed down, she gasped out, “Oh no, that guy’s so screwed.” She looked at me pointedly. “He sounded hot, though.”

Oh no, not that again.

“Prim, I would really appreciate if you stopped matchmaking me with random strangers, I’m not that hopeless!”

“But if you became a couple that would be such an awesome story of how you met!”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, just _perfect_ for some family dinner.”

***

Of course, Prim didn’t have to know that the guy texted me later that day to apologize once again, and since then the conversation somehow... flowed?  It went on and on, as if we had known each other since forever.

***

_Eight months later…_

“From a drunk stranger, “ I was standing beside a long table and speaking loudly with my glass of Champaign raised into the air. “Through  _that guy who keeps texting me  and I don’t even mind_.” Several people chuckled, so did I. “To my dearest friend,” I glanced over the guests’ faces to finally focus my gaze firmly on Thorin. I smiled warmly, and he grinned back. “The thirty sixth year of your life begins,” I said to him and to everyone to hear, “Don’t screw it up, you wonderful and utterly annoying man.”

Thorin and all the guests laughed wholeheartedly, I was even given an applause.  I bowed my head in thanks, waiting for the clapping and whistling to die down. As a silence fell over the table once more, I looked back at my friend and raised my glass higher.

“Toast to Thorin!” I exclaimed.

 “To Thorin!”a chorus of voices repeated.

The guests were connecting glasses and taking a sip. The Champaign was exquisite, as everything, really. The room, the decorations and the food – all of this was simply marvellous and  _so_  fancy.

It had required  lots of work from the whole ‘crew’ – me, my parents, Thorin’s parents, Dís and her family, Frerin, Dwalin and Ori, Primula and Drogo… Our families and our friends were invited and practically everyone helped in some way or another. We had tried very hard to make this surprise birthday party special.

Oh, hadn’t we succeeded. Thorin’s expression full of awe and astonishment when he saw the place for the first time was going to make me indecently smug for  _years_.  It had always been hard to truly impress him, a showoff that he was, yet we had managed.

And so it went – the party was a blur of faces, delicious food, alcohol, music and overall great spirits. Everybody seemed to be having a good time. My mom looked to be in her element, and even _my dad_ was having fun. _At an actual party_.

It had always made me so happy that my and Thorin’s family befriended each other so quickly and got along so well.  

Everything was perfect.

At one moment I ended up standing alone. I frowned. I actually hadn’t talked to Thorin for a while, which was weird. I searched for him with my gaze and found him sitting on the sofa in the corner of the room. We both grinned when our eyes met, but there was something else about Thorin’s expression. His smile was almost...

I turned away, flustered.

I was definitely imagining things. Or I believed what I had seen to be true because of too much alcohol. And there was also the gentle candlelight that shone all over the place. Candles were everywhere. Yes, candles were pretty tricky things. That flickering light they produced. Yes, the light was the thing to blame.

The spark of a deep emotion I didn’t even dare to name which I had seen in Thorin’s eyes had had to be nothing but an illusion.

It must’ve been just that. An illusion. How else would I explain my desire for Thorin to reciprocate my feelings?

Thorin, the talented and amazing person that so many people were in love with? Thorin, with his looks of a Greek god? Thorin, who could have almost anyone, really?

 Yeah, good luck with that, Bilbo Baggins.

  
***

I directed my pointing finger straight at her. She stayed indifferent to my glare with that flippant demeanour of hers and an air of scorn around her.

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I hissed. “Can you hear me?”

Baineth shoot me the bored all-humans-are-so-stupid look and gazed at the ceiling, clearly spotting something more interesting than me there.

Humanity certainly deserved cats.

Yes, humans were creatures that deserved scorn. Because who in the world would come up with the idea of drinking wine together with your own reflection in the bathroom mirror?

Only idiots. Such as myself.

Or people with a lot of issues.

Such as myself.

Well, to be honest, I only had one issue, really. But it was... impossible for me to cope with it.

Because I was in trouble. So much trouble.  
  
This was not good. Not good at all.  
  
And by ‘this’ I meant that I was slowly and reluctantly becoming ready to admit that I had fallen …  
  
In love.  
  
With …  _him_.    
  
HIM _, of all people._    
  
With that damned beautiful man, who was also beautifully out of my league. A man who I called my  _friend_. My  _dear friend_.  
  
It honestly couldn’t have been worse.  
  
I was… friendzoned. By another man. Who was gay too. But we were only  _friends_.

Damn it.

I had never signed up for something like that. For such  _pain_. For the ravaging feeling of being so close to having your dream, but not close enough. That feeling when the person you loved was just _right there_ , but not for you to take. 

Oh God, I felt like crying again. 

I really needed a new hobby.

I had wanted to try yoga for some time now, actually.

   
***

  
For the first time in what felt like eternity, I actually felt really excited. I called Thorin’s number and my face hurt from smiling already.   

“Hello?” said the familiar, always-enchanting voice on the other side.

“Have you heard?” I asked right away.

“About the engagement?” Thorin said, “yeah, Dwalin told me yesterday, before proposing. He was scared like hell.” 

I snorted. “The fool. Ori had been waiting for it for _months_. He texted me a few minutes ago.” 

“Yeah.” I could see Thorin shrugging with my own eyes. “The very imagination of the wedding party scares me, though,” he said.

I laughed. “This is going to be another trauma added to my list.” 

Thorin chuckled, and it was a sound so _pleasant_ that I had to bite my lip to stop myself groaning. I shook my head in order to clear my mind.

“Thorin … you know,” I said then because turning to teasing was always a good way of escape. “If there is ‘hell yes’…”  
  
“No.”  
  
“… aaaand ‘havens no’…”  
  
“Oh no you don’t.”  
  
“… then there must be ‘purgatory maybe’.”  
  
Thorin groaned loudly. It sounded way too sexual. “Jesus, Bilbo,  _why_.”  
  
I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Oh, torturing Thorin with  _that_  pun was the best thing ever.  
  
Thorin wasn’t so amused. It was satisfying all the more.

“Sorry, honey,” he said, “but really I gotta go, we’re shooting a scene soon.”

“Yeah, all right,” I answered.

“Bye bye, darling.”

“Yeah, bye, love,” I mumbled absent-mindedly, trying to adjust to my rapid heartbeat.  Our usual sweet nothings had never influenced me like that before.

Luckily, Thorin had hung up.

I found myself staring at my phone. I hadn’t minded our endearments before. It had kept me and Thorin amused and had left others terribly confused. Balin’s facial expression had always been especially rewarding. But now, oh _now_ , it had started to make me behave like a pinning teenager.

Oh God almighty, I was such a love-struck fool. 

***

We did end up on another wedding as well. Our own wedding.  
  
To literally everybody’s relief me and Thorin had finally admitted to our feelings for each other.

There had been bets, apparently. Dís won them all. She always won.

Anyway, I was the real winner here. I was getting _Thorin_. As my _husband_.

My dream came true, and it all had happened in the most cliché way possible. Because Thorin had kissed me, all of the sudden, when we had been sitting next to _the_ _Christmas tree_ and wrapping up the presents. Things had escalated quickly from that.

Now it was our wedding night, and I had Thorin standing before me, bare-chested, looking at with so much  tenderness it was actually unbearable. So I had to tease him.

“I still love coffee and Baineth more than you,” I said.  

“Oh, shush it,” Thorin whispered before leaning down to kiss me.

***

 _That_  evening was this kind of evening which nobody would have never expected anything of.

Nothing. No one. Never.

And yet.

It was dark outside, and Thorin and I were snuggling on the sofa in the living room. We were both tired after the whole week of work, so  _exhausted_ , actually, that not even feeling up to some good old banter. 

We were just your average new-marries-from-two-years-ago, when my husband suddenly but gently freed himself out of my embrace, earning an unhappy whine from me. With a deep chuckle, and  _oh my_  his voice was so amazing, he sat beside me and lifted me up to the sitting position. I would have started grumbling grumpily, but I had noticed that look on his face which was a sign that he had something important to tell me.

“I’ve met a young film director today,” he said.

“Oh, how nice.” I smiled, not exactly sure why it was so significant.

My husband smiled back. “Yes, he’s very promising. When I talked to him, he was very excited about the film which he’s going to be the second director of. He and I sort of started the idea for it.”

I should have known that very moment. I should have known that this gleam in Thorin’s eyes didn’t bode anything good.

“Really? That’s great!” I grinned. “And what this film will be about?”

Thorin’s mischievous smirk alarmed me at last.

“About the consequences of drunken phone calls.”

And then that devious husband of mine, that traitor of a lover, was quick enough to take a photo of my shell-shocked expression before he burst out laughing like a madman.

Little did I know at the time that Thorin wouldn’t live that down for  _decades_.

**Author's Note:**

> I know Bilbo is canonically a tea person, but I changed him to a coffee person because... reasons? I don't even know xD At least I had fun when writing this. 
> 
> (If anyone of you is here wondering about my other fic, "All Hope Lost", I'm glad to tell you that more than half of the next chapter is written down already ;) but it's turning out to be a looong chapter, so I still have some work to do ^^). 
> 
> Of course, please tell me if you spot any mistakes. :D Anyway, what are your thoughts?


End file.
